Day One: Pray

What are words if you really don't mean them when you say them. What are words if there only for good times then it's on. -Chris Medina-American Idol-What Are Words

The Lenten season has truly brought peace to my soul. I know it is only the beginning, but I feel it happening.

I started off my day with morning Mass and consumed communion as my breakfast. Soon after, I was home awaiting a reasonable time to get to school. As the day progressed, more people started noticing the "thing on my forehead". Sometimes I thought to myself: Why are people so 'ignorant' of the symbol on my forehead? Why is it JUST a thing on my forehead? Why can't they understand? Do they realize it was Ash Wednesday? I brought myself to realize that not everyone believes in Him. Not everyone shares the same religion. Not everyone celebrates in the same things. I was honestly hurt when someone said "hey, there's dirt on your forehead" , "what the heck is on your forehead", "why is it on your forehead". Repetitively explaining the whole ordeal, I knew people still never understood it and kept questioning. I knew this would happen, but the reason why I did what I did- it was because I did not care what others thought, looking at me. I know my Faith, I live my Faith and I will act a part of it. As gracefully as I tried to act about it, I began to shut down. I realized throughout the day, I held my crucifix necklace and prayed, many times.

Another incident I ran into, saddens me tremendously. Sitting in class, it was just like any other day. A boy whom I have spoken with the day before about a girl he was 'talking' to shut me down. I joked around with him, not really wanting to know about the whole situation, but just trying to embrace it. Today, he said he would offer me a story if I trade seats with him because he couldn't see. I don't know what made me reject him, but I naively spoke out 'tsk tsk..bad karma!" as a joke. He shut me down when he said, ' well you know what? f--- you. I didn't whisper that either". HOW could a teacher be standing there, hearing the whole conversation, and not do anything about it? How did I handle it? I prayed for this boy, the teacher, and myself. I was hurt and in lost for words, wondering what I did wrong, and maybe shouldn't have said what I said. I was hurt because the teacher did not say ONE word, and that's when I knew, when all else fails you, leave it up to God. What could I do to make the situation better? Honestly, nothing physical/verbal could have fixed this incident. I prayed and thought long and hard. This was when the song "What Are Words" played in my head; what are words if you really don't mean them? Except, I think this boy really meant it. Yeah it hurts, but I know God knows. I don't find the need to explain this to anyone, so I decided to blog it. This heals my heart and brings me peace. To know that my sincere apologies are through prayer.

What a day I have been through. My struggles are not bigger than God, therefore He will help me overcome it, whether it takes 1 minute, 1 day, 1 month or even 1 year. I just want to keep on with Grace in my heart, because I have lots of it to share. This brings me to my last memo: Petitioning.

As I was petitioning today, I felt SUCH a positive vibe. No matter if my opponent was in the same room or a stirring conversation amongst my friends, I feel as if RIGHT NOW, we're civil- that's a good thing. And for me, that's enough to know. I can not predict the future nor should I worry. I worry about the Present and living for today. I will let tomorrow take its course, and whatever it may bring me, I know it'll be from a good intent. As I continue to pray about this, I begin to look deep into the relationships I have and remember how lucky I am, no matter if tomorrow may bring me sorrow, hatred or Love. I only ask that He will light my path in which ever direction, I shall follow.

And I pray:

O Lord and Master of my life,
give me not the spirit of laziness,
despair, lust of power, and idle talk. (prostration)

But give rather the spirit of sobriety,
humility, patience and love to Thy servant. (prostration)

Yea, O Lord and King,
grant me to see my own transgressions
and not to judge my brother,
for blessed art Thou unto ages of ages. Amen (prostration)
St. Ephraim the Syrian

Blessings to You Always,

Mariann.

Accepted!

I searched through my email and switched tabs back and forth to youtube, facebook, twitter, and back to my email again. Every so often, I got a couple emails, and then one came in for me. It read: National Youth Leadership Forum on Medicine.

Cordially invited to the event came with my student ID number so I can sign up easily. Sometimes it's the opportunities you're better off leaving behind and other times, you're better off taking up the opportunity and explore it. So with this, I'm left with a decision to make. I have a month, but a month goes by fast. So I will pray upon this and see what decision it brings me.

Elections and campaigning are coming up, and I'm preparing myself for that. Hopefully I can make up my mind today, as I've been swayed back and forth like a rocking chair for the past few weeks. I'm ready to let His will be done and serve- that's all. I just hope that whatever it may bring me, I serve it to the full potential and smile all the way.

Prayers and Blessings be with you,

Mariann

Disappointed to be Disappointing.

This is my apology letter for most things.

I just want to admit that I'm not perfect, and hopefully you could see that. Given that you are apart of me genetically, please don't assume that I will be just like you. I AM my own person, I HAVE my own aspirations, I WILL do things to upset you. It's Life. I didn't mold for things to fall into place, they just happen. Could you just accept that?

Even more so that I'm a girl, you should know how sensitive I can be. If you yell at me, I will cry. But you know why? I care. I care too much to see someone unhappy. It kills me to know that you're yelling at me because things are my fault. Yes ,I probably wasn't prepared, but could you say that you can't expect the unexpected? I know anger can get the best of us, trust me, it happens- I know. But did you think it was really necessary to scream all the things that went through my ear and went out the other?

I feel bad, you know? Our relationship has gone down the drain, and to be honest, I really talk to you when I need something or when you need something. It shouldn't be that way. For Heaven's sake, we live under the same roof. Things that has happened in the past really made me understand and define the person you are. Yes, I have learned to pick up the warmth and hospitality that you bring to people- but I for one, did NOT pick up your other half of your personality. It's unthinkable. Sometimes I wish you'd stop smoking, because I care too much. But now, now it's like you're letting it consume your life and you wouldn't even make an effort for me to stop. I pray for you all the time, every day, but I wonder if you've prayed for me too.

Can we mesh things out and mend it back together? I don't want to lose you one day and feel like I've missed out on the things we were SUPPOSED to do. Although I tell you I don't want my husband to be anything like you *as a joke*, I still uphold my standards that abide by a part of your rubric. You're one of the most important men in my life- but how am I supposed to completely appreciate things from you, if you throw them at people so crazily. I told you once before that I was embarrassed by you- and don't completely take that to heart because you're you, but it's your attitude and anger at times. I get nervous when I'm around other important persons, and you decide to throw a bad card down. It makes ME look bad, but most importantly it makes YOU look bad. So for once, I just want to ask you: Could you just love me for me and accept my mistakes? Understand that I cry when you yell at me, and talk it out with me rationally- not yell. Could you possibly change for your own daughter? Don't get me wrong, I love you, but sometimes, I don't love the person you are.

Love always,

Mariann.

Check 1, 2.

Speeches. Crowds. Microphones.

I worked the sound system today, at lunch. Fifteen minutes before the end, I helped out announcing FFA activity winners. I realized the comfortability level for me when it comes to using the mic and speaking to my peers. I figured I'd do well, when it comes to these things. I guess it really depends on the atmosphere though. In the serious settings, I'm kind of choked up and shy. But, when there's a crowd I'm used to seeing on the daily, I'm completely fine with speaking. I brought this up because I have a speech tomorrow.

For the past few weeks, I have been working diligently on a personal essay including the idea of the "American Dream". Since I can become an emotional wreck when talking about a touchy subject in front of a class, I decided to talk about a "positive" pivotal moment in my life. The topic: the day I got my license, and everything leading up to that. I know, I know. I guess at around this age, it's a little overrated in conversation, but I'm so comfortable talking about it, I think I could nail this thing into the wall! That's a good thing, by the way. Therefore, needless to say, I am pretty excited about this essay. All I have left to do is to write down some thoughts on a note card, and go over it a few times, and I'll be good to go. The funny thing is- my speech is based around fear. So, for me to be scared, it would probably be an understatement, if I actually felt that way. Anyway, I pray for the best, and I will be fine because God is with me all along the way. I'm really excited to hear everyone else's on Thursday..and I have been warned that there is normally not a dry eye in the room at some moments. Ouchies. Good or bad, I need a good cry, so I guess this is my opportunity. Sometimes you just need to cry to relieve yourself. I'm ready!

Good night Moon, Good night Stars, Good night Beautiful!

-Murrrrrannnnn

Listen and Love :)

I just think this song is nice :)

Stress Suppress.

FINALS.

A word that possibly everyone dislikes. It's frightening!

Anyways- the past few days have been rough, especially everything associated with Prom and Finals. The idea of it gets me stressed out, and from that, I've noticed that when I'm so busy, I forgot to eat a reasonable portion/serving. Then, the times I feel like eating, I don't have an appetite for it. What's the reason behind this? I don't know. But lately, I've had a small appetite.

I wish I could make every moment of every situation joyous, but it doesn't happen that way- no matter how hard I try, it doesn't. It's not that I don't work well under pressure, I'd just rather plan ahead. Like the things I can't plan ahead I try to plan, but the things that I can plan ahead, sometimes I just wait, and wait, and wait. This habit's been broken for a while now, and that's a good thing, but I just don't like worrying. Then again, who does, right?

So, with all the Faith I have in this world, I walk right through. With or without any hands to hold, I can do it. With that, I hold my head up high- no matter any bad that comes my way. I will be ready to pick myself up if I fall.

I challenge you to challenge yourself. Do something you've never done, be better at something you have done. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. I for one always cut myself short, stress myself out and sometimes there is not a good explanation for it. But as Father Terry said: Live for today, and let tomorrow take care of itself- because no matter what, there is always a tomorrow. My own challenge is to live for today, not tomorrow. I will let tomorrow take its course, because I trust that there will always be a tomorrow, but I want to live in Today, live For today, and live Better today.

Blessings always,

Mariann

Reflect Back To The Grind.

Wow, it has been a while! I can't believe I've gone so long without a blog post. I'm trying to get Back To The Grind once again and stay consistent with this blog.

To find what you seek in the road of life,the best proverb of all is that which says:"Leave no stone unturned."- Edward Bulwer Lytton

I can honestly say that I am trying to abide by this, currently. I feel as if I pass up the stones too quickly, the ones left behind aren't turned. We seem to frolic through life and in situations, we opt to chose one thing or the other- almost like an ultimatum.

I'm having a hard time grasping the concept of everything around me. One day I'll get everything, and another, I'm completely lost. I feel like God has set this path for me, to let me know that It's Okay. It's okay to fall. It's okay to take chances. It's okay to try something new. It's OKAY to be open-hearted. It's okay. Everything's okay.

With this, I know it's okay to take chances. Who said they're guaranteed happiness? If not that, it's satisfaction with peace. Knowing that you tried is more rewarding than the actual victory of a battle.

If I could just let my Life set in itself, and let it unravel slowly, I wouldn't feel so stressed all the time. Wondering and hoping when some things will fall into place, is not the way to live. Not saying that this includes prayers, it doesn't. Praying is actually what has gotten me through my struggles. In those dark yet quiet moments, I hear the whispers of reassurance. If we wonder and hope, I honestly don't know where that'll take us. But I know for a fact, if we Pray through it, God will speak to us and nourish us with his Unfailing Love. Overcoming my battles is one thing, but what are battles without fight and chaos? You know, we don't always get our way THAT easily. With hard work, comes true reward- and I understand.

So, in this season, I have slowly but surely learned to Let go, and Let God. I am challenging YOU to take on this challenge with me. Let go, and Let God do His Will. Set down your worries and leave it up to God, for in His will, the destined will be done. I truly, truly, believe that His judgement is for what is right, whether we think otherwise or not.

Currently, going through the mixed emotions of everything in life, especially everything that has to do with school, I am slowly letting go. Not meaning that I don't care, but meaning that I CARE ENOUGH to Let God take on this course with me. That in His will, I will conquer this struggle; and whether I walk or fall, it's another lesson I have yet to learn. But through everything, I have promised to carry this Gracefully, as I know that's what Jesus would do. To do things out of Love. No matter enemy or friend, we pray for them, and love them all the same. You know what I mean?

I know it's a bundle of words, may be repetitive..or not, but I hope you get my point.

Always,
Mariann