The Lenten season has truly brought peace to my soul. I know it is only the beginning, but I feel it happening.
I started off my day with morning Mass and consumed communion as my breakfast. Soon after, I was home awaiting a reasonable time to get to school. As the day progressed, more people started noticing the "thing on my forehead". Sometimes I thought to myself: Why are people so 'ignorant' of the symbol on my forehead? Why is it JUST a thing on my forehead? Why can't they understand? Do they realize it was Ash Wednesday? I brought myself to realize that not everyone believes in Him. Not everyone shares the same religion. Not everyone celebrates in the same things. I was honestly hurt when someone said "hey, there's dirt on your forehead" , "what the heck is on your forehead", "why is it on your forehead". Repetitively explaining the whole ordeal, I knew people still never understood it and kept questioning. I knew this would happen, but the reason why I did what I did- it was because I did not care what others thought, looking at me. I know my Faith, I live my Faith and I will act a part of it. As gracefully as I tried to act about it, I began to shut down. I realized throughout the day, I held my crucifix necklace and prayed, many times.
Another incident I ran into, saddens me tremendously. Sitting in class, it was just like any other day. A boy whom I have spoken with the day before about a girl he was 'talking' to shut me down. I joked around with him, not really wanting to know about the whole situation, but just trying to embrace it. Today, he said he would offer me a story if I trade seats with him because he couldn't see. I don't know what made me reject him, but I naively spoke out 'tsk tsk..bad karma!" as a joke. He shut me down when he said, ' well you know what? f--- you. I didn't whisper that either". HOW could a teacher be standing there, hearing the whole conversation, and not do anything about it? How did I handle it? I prayed for this boy, the teacher, and myself. I was hurt and in lost for words, wondering what I did wrong, and maybe shouldn't have said what I said. I was hurt because the teacher did not say ONE word, and that's when I knew, when all else fails you, leave it up to God. What could I do to make the situation better? Honestly, nothing physical/verbal could have fixed this incident. I prayed and thought long and hard. This was when the song "What Are Words" played in my head; what are words if you really don't mean them? Except, I think this boy really meant it. Yeah it hurts, but I know God knows. I don't find the need to explain this to anyone, so I decided to blog it. This heals my heart and brings me peace. To know that my sincere apologies are through prayer.
What a day I have been through. My struggles are not bigger than God, therefore He will help me overcome it, whether it takes 1 minute, 1 day, 1 month or even 1 year. I just want to keep on with Grace in my heart, because I have lots of it to share. This brings me to my last memo: Petitioning.
As I was petitioning today, I felt SUCH a positive vibe. No matter if my opponent was in the same room or a stirring conversation amongst my friends, I feel as if RIGHT NOW, we're civil- that's a good thing. And for me, that's enough to know. I can not predict the future nor should I worry. I worry about the Present and living for today. I will let tomorrow take its course, and whatever it may bring me, I know it'll be from a good intent. As I continue to pray about this, I begin to look deep into the relationships I have and remember how lucky I am, no matter if tomorrow may bring me sorrow, hatred or Love. I only ask that He will light my path in which ever direction, I shall follow.
And I pray:
O Lord and Master of my life,
give me not the spirit of laziness,
despair, lust of power, and idle talk. (prostration)
But give rather the spirit of sobriety,
humility, patience and love to Thy servant. (prostration)
Yea, O Lord and King,
grant me to see my own transgressions
and not to judge my brother,
for blessed art Thou unto ages of ages. Amen (prostration)
St. Ephraim the Syrian
Blessings to You Always,
Mariann.
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